Personal diaries: The beginning coming to an end.

Just finished off this year; done for the year; beginning of the summer break and an ending to another year, I shall see where it takes me. Although I don’t expect much because it’s like every other year that I’ve been in for the past 21 years. Like what Kylie Jenner said about “realising stuff”, I’ve been realising “things”.

For one, that I shouldn’t be afraid of moving forward. That I can actually do this shit! I see a glimmer of hope. Regardless, I want to be damn optimistic about my future. I need to – ffs I’m 21. I’m a lot mature than when I was at 17. But I still have a lot of soul searching and growing up to do – there are few, if not many, aspects of my life that I need to improve; think I’ll be searching for it until death.

1/ To be honest with myself. I need to be honest about what I’m doing, why I’m doing it. I don’t want to have superficial, gain for gain relations.

2/ Build confidence, in myself and in my work. To be sure and sound sure of my intentions and in my work.

3/ Not allowing negativity to get to me. Not letting it effect my relationships with others and especially with my work. I need that noggin to work in my favour.

I have half-heartedly accepted the fact that anxiety and depression won’t just disappear from my life. Sometimes, during the most inconvenience, it will creep up on me and hit me so fucking hard. I hope to slowly find ways to deal with it and to be able to experience the full joys.

There’s a realisation that I need to move away from the past. I don’t need to hold on to past relations – I can just not ever see them again or put myself into that situation ever again. I never learn. I only wished for a miracle. But sometimes I shouldn’t be too foolish. I can still be hopeful and good but also wary with a pair of scissors x.

Knowing how to differentiate and to learn from.

Anyone with a tag that says “negativity thrown at beginning”, should be on the minimal contact list. I want ZERO to do with them. Why? Because they judged too quickly, mess with your mind and it’s too late for redemption. Fuck, I wanna live that way because it’s too damn cruel.

Who does that kind of shit?
Yet, I know many just want to see what they want to see – and to be told the things that they want to hear.

Then you meet the golden egg. There’s always a golden egg that you find somewhere along your journey. They’re so pure and so kind. Hope they never change their pure hearts. We need more people like them ❤ I can tell that they’re very happy with what they have in their life 🙂

When you know, you know. Always follow your instinct. Continue to grow – no matter the pace. Always be real. Don’t reach for the stars, reach for a starting point and get going!!

 

Everything has a ending.

People.

Ohhh, so many people come and go.

Best friends, close friends, old friends, acquaintances, passer-by’s, a friend of a friend, colleagues, complete and utter strangers.

Sweating whether they’re still cool with you.

Whether you said and did everything right.

I, myself, don’t make lasting impressions – you take me for me, as I do you.

I’d admit that I suck and I do need to work on that.

I should hold up a sign that says-

“A work in progress…”

haha, jokes aside.

Just don’t fcuking sweat it.

Move on if it didn’t work out.

Don’t sweat it if you said the wrong things.

Don’t be sad because of it.

It’s not the end of the world.

Oh ffs, don’t sweat it. I fucking told you already!

You will be better at it, and you WILL find something that’ll just fit.

Be patient, if you’re the type who doesn’t ride on the fast lane.

An ending always has a new beginning.

You can always try many ways until you find something that fits.

Just don’t lose hope.

Sometimes it doesn’t suck to be alone, really.

idyllic: la perouse.

where to look.

Well, hello there menstral cramps… it’s so nice to feel your pains! OK, a bit TMI for an introduction – first day, woot!

It is the middle of the day, I am currently sitting on the living room sofa with a candle burning beside me, typing away – with youtube and maps on my browser tab and a notepad beside me filled with notes and drawings. I have a now cold beanbag beside me and a small pillow resting on my tummy.

I’ve been forever trying to stimulate my mind with anything to deal with the boredom of waiting around – like reading, looking at inspiration from tumblr and instagram, music, drawing, youtube. As someone who is keen to enrol to graphics course, I think it’s a good start. This whole month has been nothing but a waiting.

I have applied for several jobs and been waiting for an issue to be resolved. I’ve been back and forth with e-mails and calls. I don’t want to feel too bad for not ‘moving along’ – but this is my current situation and I’m trying to make the best out of it until a breakthrough.

*insert rant:

Waiting, it really sucks. I think the worst part is when you have to wait on others to do something for you – and there’s no way around it. When you trust someone to help you out – realising that they’ve swept everything under-the-rug… if I could just fix the problems that authorities have so much difficulty trying to do, yeah wouldn’t it just be good. I mean, why is it so difficult to say – sorry we can’t do this, but I can refer you to someone who can? – why make someone wait for so long; no calls, avoiding replying to e-mails and what not? *head-shakes

rant over.

On a side note, all this free time has given me the chance to do things. I think the most important thing to do in your free time is to always stimulate your mind with something, in my case – the internet. The internet, for once, is somewhat of a good place to find new things. But also, take a break from the internet for a bit – get a pen, pencil, paint and a notebook and do some scribbling and writing – add a cup of coffee with that too. Go out for a bit – went to La Perouse last week, a good, quiet place to clear your mind – the only place where wearing clothes is not frowned upon! I’m kidding.

youtube.com is such a good place to look. I’ve currently been watching documentaries like the fifth estate & real stories, alongside other regulars like family channels, beauty channels, music. One channel I highly recommend watching is the michalaks. This ain’t a vlog, it’s literally cinematography – truly a beauty to watch.

tumblr and instagram is another good place to look for visual & text inspiration and art ♥

I’ve also been meaning to practice drawing on an Adobe software – namely Illustration. But I can’t seem to find the tablet and it’s pen… guess that’s my next task.

Until then 🙂

collection: away from the city.

December 2014 – January 2015
Ranau, Sabah, Borneo

Coming to the end of February – 2017. An update and to reflect upon.

An update on my magnificent life, since my last ‘inspiring’ blog post about my 17th birthday (you will most likely not see them, I might privatise/delete them). Not much, not much has happened.

Why did I suddenly come back to this after years of absence? Maybe tumblr is not the place to write a fucking essay on all of this, but I do want to reflect on some things, document it, and probably come back to it years later and reflect on that again. So that’s probably why.

Over the last few years, it has been quite – shit, let’s be honest here, like I bloody wasn’t before /ha ha. I developed a high level of anxiety and spiralled into a deep hole. I was left feeling direction-less, uninspired and lost. But then I wouldn’t change the world for this ‘experience’, I mean you got to have those moments to push you forward –  and no, this won’t end on a triumphant note.

A bit of background, I came out of high school so painfully shy, introverted, ambition-less, oblivious, socially awkward, and all that good stuff that helps you deal with the ‘scary’ outside world.

I thank the lovely times that I had at an all-girls high school – you have shaped my perspective greatly… you know, like striving myself to never been like them, like to have a  brainwashed perception of beauty and to socially accept a ego-feeding bitch’s behaviour and what-not (though I would like to add that not everyone was like this… some were absolutely kind and lovely) 🙂

I still to this day do not think that introversion is not as bad as what others have led you to believe – you just need to own it, and work with it.

I jumped on the bandwagon of ‘oh you must do something right after high school because everybody else is doing it’. After chatting with some people about this, they also felt the same way – so it’s very normal. I was devastated when I didn’t get a good ATAR, and thought that it was the end of everything – it really isn’t!

Now I’m in my 20′s and it just hit me that I still haven’t truly found a direction. I had a hard long think about life and what direction I wanted to head towards.

I spoke to a friend of mine for advice. She said to me:

“…let 2017 be the beginning of your year, leave the past behind you so you can move forward.”

That really stuck to me because I’ve always had a negative outlook on stuff like this – you know, the new year, new beginnings crap. But now, it just seems more relevant than ever. By the end of February, it was time to change my outlook in life – because truly, I wasn’t happy – I don’t want to be like this in 10 years time…

In 3rd and final year, I decided to quit that darn Interior Design course. Many people would ask as to why I didn’t stick it out, I finally told myself that I’ve had enough. I’ve had nothing but bad thoughts, partially due to my outlook and whole-fucking-heartedly due to what was around me. It was a big decision to make, but I haven’t looked back.

I started thinking about my life, job-wise, my interests, where I would see myself in a couple of years. It’s 2017, we can literally do anything, nothing is ever too silly!

Life is too short to allow yourself to suffer from self-doubt and negativity. A life-time mistake on mine, to not look out for yourself. Your true happiness should be above anything else. To come out with positivity, confidence and contentment – that is true goals.

“Why didn’t I do the things that would suit me best?”

“Why did I settle on a challenge that I knew I was going to second guess so badly?”

It took me such a long time to realise that no, I don’t need to waste my damn time being in a situation where I feel useless and had nothing to gain – a concoction of a mentally draining and abusive atmosphere and self-doubt //yeah, that one. Oh hey, I don’t exactly know where I’m going – but it’s a start of something.

Until then.

Birthday trip.

I had written parts of my post until I accidently pressed backspace and now I have to write it all over again. I’m slightly in a bad mood because of an incident that happened after my birthday so I will try to write as best as I can.

On the 25th of April, my mum, dad and I planned to go to the Na Tien Temple located in the suburb of Berkeley/Unandurra in Wollongong and so we did. Got out of the house at around 10-11 in the morning and headed down to the highway which was connected from Cronulla to Wollongong. Passing Cronulla, I honestly have to say was like the most surrealist thing ever. How close the roads were to the sea was pretty awesome and the view was stunning. Moving on,  as soon as the highway started, I had my earplugs in and an interesting view to entertain me through the hour. I loved the shape the roads were formed such as the curves and the dip-in-lows. The high mountain views that we had come across was amazing as we saw Wollongong that was I-could-estimate-about 60km away from it. What I didn’t like was the minor ear blockage and popping that I had experienced along the way which made me slightly nauseous.

As soon as we saw the sea to our left, I tried to take a decent photo of it but giving the fact that I was in a car that went 110km/hr, that was never going to end well. We arrived to a suburb in Wollongong – Berkeley and we were on our way to the Na Tien Temple.

We went in and I suddenly had this feeling that I have been here before and I was infact right – back in 2008-2009. Here’s a photo of a pond back when it was truly spectacular.. but this time when I went back to the exact same spot to see how it looked.. well let’s just say that the lilypads have died.

 

I will skip the details of my lavatory business and say that the first thing that we did was go into the temple where my dad got those incense sticks, burned the tips of the sticks and prayed. We moved towards the second level of the temple where there was a nice garden with statues in a praying position located in the middle left of the area.

 

This time when we entered the temple, we had to take our shoes off and we weren’t allowed to take photographs whatsoever. I suppose that this place was much more sacred in comparison to the other one. There I saw rows of cushion stands where several people would kneel down and pray. We burned more incense sticks and prayed and prayed some more. There was also a object shaped of a flower with a candle lit in the middle along with a little empty card where you write a wish on the card, place it behind the candle and place the object along with the other row of flowers and pray.

We finally then found the bathroom which was located outside the temple. After, I spotted a pathway that had two wooden gates with no fences which lead up to the hills and so we decided to trek up the hill. We followed the path which led to a massive brass bell where people would hit the bell with a massive stick that went along with it just to hear the echo. As you’d imagine the echos emphasise better where there are no buildings blocking its soundwave and thus creates a sense of serenity. We took the time to soak in the sun as well inhaling and exhaling the clean crisp air.

Then my dad and I thought of an ambitious idea to trek all the way up the mountain as we both knew it meant a better view of Wollongong and was our clear motivator. I swear I was about to pass out as I broke my rule to always trek properly and never to run. My ears were bloody throbbing, felt faint, my head was slightly woozy but I slowly recovered. My dad on the other hand was undoubtly stronger than the both of us. My mum absolutely hated it so much because she was so tired and the sun was hitting strongly on her face – so tired and sun hating that she crouched down and hid behind my dad.

 

But on the positive note, it was all worth it. (sorry for my crappy photography skills in this one)

 

We took a couple more minutes just to take it in and then we slowly went down. I was too exhausted to go all the way back where the pathway was so we went the hard and the most stupidest way – down the hill with no path. The fact that we could of slipped kind of got me into a little panic so I even more stupidly walked across the steep grass and as soon as I found the path there were little velcro-like fury grass bits sticking on my shoes and jeans. It took a while to get them off as I was unsure of what it was so I was slightly afraid of pulling them off. Sitting there on the pathway comtemplating for 5 minutes my dad ended up helping me pull them off of me.

We then went to the Pagoda where we prayed and made a wish…  

then we drove out of the temple and headed straight to the city of Wollongong. After a few confusions we finally got there. Some of the streets of Wollongong are very narrow compared to Sydney but I guess I could blame it on those idiots who park their cars there. I think the best part of the trip was seeing the view of the sea/beach of Wollongong. The beach wasn’t as big or spectacular as Sydney but I loved it because it looked like an artwork. What made it so where the sailboats hanging about the port and the lighthouse located slightly further from where we were at. There were quite a lot of people who were hanging about and truly I could sense that they were in peace and they were simply happy. We never stepped out of the city but I know I will go back there next time – later in the year for sure 🙂

Then we headed back to Sydney where we bought Hong-Ha (seriously it’s the best sandwich you’ll get – in Mascot) and a birthday tradition of Taro Cake which we bought in the city.

I could say that overall my birthday went pretty well and I was overall happy 🙂

Hope you weren’t bored out of your minds and kerfuffled with all the possible grammar mistake I had made. I will keep posting more so for now I will be..

Signing off,

nessa 🙂

 

 

introduction.

Hey thereeeee, my name’s Vanessa and i’m from Sydney, Australia.. and this is my first post 🙂

I’m sixteen ATM turning seventeen in 3 days and I’m in my final year of high school at a school I will not name for privacy reasons. I study English, General Maths, Visual Arts, Hospitality and Food Technology – but I don’t want anything to do with these subjects in the near future as I want to study pyschological science or medical science. I have no siblings which makes me an absolute loner, but I do have my 2 parents which I guess I get on with on occassions. I’m a tad bit shy and I dislike being center of attention, but that’s because I don’t feel the need to display myself. I just adore little kids and I am not a creeper BTW, I just think that their youth and innocence makes me love them even more. I find astrology very very intriguing as well as law, mystery and so forth.

I guess one of the reasons why I decided to get WordPress is because I want to improve on my self-expression and being able to apply that into words on paper, well in this case into my blog. But my other reason is because I would like to document my thoughts here and look back to it and reminisce – you’d say “Why don’t you just write in your journal?”, and I’ll say “Because I suck at keeping stuff, including journals.”

I can’t think of anything else to say so I will conclude my post, I hope I haven’t bored the crap out of you because I swear I will be better at this… somehow..

I’m in the middle of my school holidays so I suppose I will keep updating until school starts but I will try.

Signing off,

nessa 🙂