Personal diaries: The beginning coming to an end.

Just finished off this year; done for the year; beginning of the summer break and an ending to another year, I shall see where it takes me. Although I don’t expect much because it’s like every other year that I’ve been in for the past 21 years. Like what Kylie Jenner said about “realising stuff”, I’ve been realising “things”.

For one, that I shouldn’t be afraid of moving forward. That I can actually do this shit! I see a glimmer of hope. Regardless, I want to be damn optimistic about my future. I need to – ffs I’m 21. I’m a lot mature than when I was at 17. But I still have a lot of soul searching and growing up to do – there are few, if not many, aspects of my life that I need to improve; think I’ll be searching for it until death.

1/ To be honest with myself. I need to be honest about what I’m doing, why I’m doing it. I don’t want to have superficial, gain for gain relations.

2/ Build confidence, in myself and in my work. To be sure and sound sure of my intentions and in my work.

3/ Not allowing negativity to get to me. Not letting it effect my relationships with others and especially with my work. I need that noggin to work in my favour.

I have half-heartedly accepted the fact that anxiety and depression won’t just disappear from my life. Sometimes, during the most inconvenience, it will creep up on me and hit me so fucking hard. I hope to slowly find ways to deal with it and to be able to experience the full joys.

There’s a realisation that I need to move away from the past. I don’t need to hold on to past relations – I can just not ever see them again or put myself into that situation ever again. I never learn. I only wished for a miracle. But sometimes I shouldn’t be too foolish. I can still be hopeful and good but also wary with a pair of scissors x.

Knowing how to differentiate and to learn from.

Anyone with a tag that says “negativity thrown at beginning”, should be on the minimal contact list. I want ZERO to do with them. Why? Because they judged too quickly, mess with your mind and it’s too late for redemption. Fuck, I wanna live that way because it’s too damn cruel.

Who does that kind of shit?
Yet, I know many just want to see what they want to see – and to be told the things that they want to hear.

Then you meet the golden egg. There’s always a golden egg that you find somewhere along your journey. They’re so pure and so kind. Hope they never change their pure hearts. We need more people like them ❤ I can tell that they’re very happy with what they have in their life 🙂

When you know, you know. Always follow your instinct. Continue to grow – no matter the pace. Always be real. Don’t reach for the stars, reach for a starting point and get going!!

 

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where to look.

Well, hello there menstral cramps… it’s so nice to feel your pains! OK, a bit TMI for an introduction – first day, woot!

It is the middle of the day, I am currently sitting on the living room sofa with a candle burning beside me, typing away – with youtube and maps on my browser tab and a notepad beside me filled with notes and drawings. I have a now cold beanbag beside me and a small pillow resting on my tummy.

I’ve been forever trying to stimulate my mind with anything to deal with the boredom of waiting around – like reading, looking at inspiration from tumblr and instagram, music, drawing, youtube. As someone who is keen to enrol to graphics course, I think it’s a good start. This whole month has been nothing but a waiting.

I have applied for several jobs and been waiting for an issue to be resolved. I’ve been back and forth with e-mails and calls. I don’t want to feel too bad for not ‘moving along’ – but this is my current situation and I’m trying to make the best out of it until a breakthrough.

*insert rant:

Waiting, it really sucks. I think the worst part is when you have to wait on others to do something for you – and there’s no way around it. When you trust someone to help you out – realising that they’ve swept everything under-the-rug… if I could just fix the problems that authorities have so much difficulty trying to do, yeah wouldn’t it just be good. I mean, why is it so difficult to say – sorry we can’t do this, but I can refer you to someone who can? – why make someone wait for so long; no calls, avoiding replying to e-mails and what not? *head-shakes

rant over.

On a side note, all this free time has given me the chance to do things. I think the most important thing to do in your free time is to always stimulate your mind with something, in my case – the internet. The internet, for once, is somewhat of a good place to find new things. But also, take a break from the internet for a bit – get a pen, pencil, paint and a notebook and do some scribbling and writing – add a cup of coffee with that too. Go out for a bit – went to La Perouse last week, a good, quiet place to clear your mind – the only place where wearing clothes is not frowned upon! I’m kidding.

youtube.com is such a good place to look. I’ve currently been watching documentaries like the fifth estate & real stories, alongside other regulars like family channels, beauty channels, music. One channel I highly recommend watching is the michalaks. This ain’t a vlog, it’s literally cinematography – truly a beauty to watch.

tumblr and instagram is another good place to look for visual & text inspiration and art ♥

I’ve also been meaning to practice drawing on an Adobe software – namely Illustration. But I can’t seem to find the tablet and it’s pen… guess that’s my next task.

Until then 🙂