An update on my magnificent life, since my last ‘inspiring’ blog post about my 17th birthday (you will most likely not see them, I might privatise/delete them). Not much, not much has happened.
Why did I suddenly come back to this after years of absence? Maybe tumblr is not the place to write a fucking essay on all of this, but I do want to reflect on some things, document it, and probably come back to it years later and reflect on that again. So that’s probably why.
Over the last few years, it has been quite – shit, let’s be honest here, like I bloody wasn’t before /ha ha. I developed a high level of anxiety and spiralled into a deep hole. I was left feeling direction-less, uninspired and lost. But then I wouldn’t change the world for this ‘experience’, I mean you got to have those moments to push you forward – and no, this won’t end on a triumphant note.
A bit of background, I came out of high school so painfully shy, introverted, ambition-less, oblivious, socially awkward, and all that good stuff that helps you deal with the ‘scary’ outside world.
I thank the lovely times that I had at an all-girls high school – you have shaped my perspective greatly… you know, like striving myself to never been like them, like to have a brainwashed perception of beauty and to socially accept a ego-feeding bitch’s behaviour and what-not (though I would like to add that not everyone was like this… some were absolutely kind and lovely) 🙂
I still to this day do not think that introversion is not as bad as what others have led you to believe – you just need to own it, and work with it.
I jumped on the bandwagon of ‘oh you must do something right after high school because everybody else is doing it’. After chatting with some people about this, they also felt the same way – so it’s very normal. I was devastated when I didn’t get a good ATAR, and thought that it was the end of everything – it really isn’t!
Now I’m in my 20′s and it just hit me that I still haven’t truly found a direction. I had a hard long think about life and what direction I wanted to head towards.
I spoke to a friend of mine for advice. She said to me:
“…let 2017 be the beginning of your year, leave the past behind you so you can move forward.”
That really stuck to me because I’ve always had a negative outlook on stuff like this – you know, the new year, new beginnings crap. But now, it just seems more relevant than ever. By the end of February, it was time to change my outlook in life – because truly, I wasn’t happy – I don’t want to be like this in 10 years time…
In 3rd and final year, I decided to quit that darn Interior Design course. Many people would ask as to why I didn’t stick it out, I finally told myself that I’ve had enough. I’ve had nothing but bad thoughts, partially due to my outlook and whole-fucking-heartedly due to what was around me. It was a big decision to make, but I haven’t looked back.
I started thinking about my life, job-wise, my interests, where I would see myself in a couple of years. It’s 2017, we can literally do anything, nothing is ever too silly!
Life is too short to allow yourself to suffer from self-doubt and negativity. A life-time mistake on mine, to not look out for yourself. Your true happiness should be above anything else. To come out with positivity, confidence and contentment – that is true goals.
“Why didn’t I do the things that would suit me best?”
“Why did I settle on a challenge that I knew I was going to second guess so badly?”
It took me such a long time to realise that no, I don’t need to waste my damn time being in a situation where I feel useless and had nothing to gain – a concoction of a mentally draining and abusive atmosphere and self-doubt //yeah, that one. Oh hey, I don’t exactly know where I’m going – but it’s a start of something.