where to look.

Well, hello there menstral cramps… it’s so nice to feel your pains! OK, a bit TMI for an introduction – first day, woot!

It is the middle of the day, I am currently sitting on the living room sofa with a candle burning beside me, typing away – with youtube and maps on my browser tab and a notepad beside me filled with notes and drawings. I have a now cold beanbag beside me and a small pillow resting on my tummy.

I’ve been forever trying to stimulate my mind with anything to deal with the boredom of waiting around – like reading, looking at inspiration from tumblr and instagram, music, drawing, youtube. As someone who is keen to enrol to graphics course, I think it’s a good start. This whole month has been nothing but a waiting.

I have applied for several jobs and been waiting for an issue to be resolved. I’ve been back and forth with e-mails and calls. I don’t want to feel too bad for not ‘moving along’ – but this is my current situation and I’m trying to make the best out of it until a breakthrough.

*insert rant:

Waiting, it really sucks. I think the worst part is when you have to wait on others to do something for you – and there’s no way around it. When you trust someone to help you out – realising that they’ve swept everything under-the-rug… if I could just fix the problems that authorities have so much difficulty trying to do, yeah wouldn’t it just be good. I mean, why is it so difficult to say – sorry we can’t do this, but I can refer you to someone who can? – why make someone wait for so long; no calls, avoiding replying to e-mails and what not? *head-shakes

rant over.

On a side note, all this free time has given me the chance to do things. I think the most important thing to do in your free time is to always stimulate your mind with something, in my case – the internet. The internet, for once, is somewhat of a good place to find new things. But also, take a break from the internet for a bit – get a pen, pencil, paint and a notebook and do some scribbling and writing – add a cup of coffee with that too. Go out for a bit – went to La Perouse last week, a good, quiet place to clear your mind – the only place where wearing clothes is not frowned upon! I’m kidding.

youtube.com is such a good place to look. I’ve currently been watching documentaries like the fifth estate & real stories, alongside other regulars like family channels, beauty channels, music. One channel I highly recommend watching is the michalaks. This ain’t a vlog, it’s literally cinematography – truly a beauty to watch.

tumblr and instagram is another good place to look for visual & text inspiration and art ♥

I’ve also been meaning to practice drawing on an Adobe software – namely Illustration. But I can’t seem to find the tablet and it’s pen… guess that’s my next task.

Until then 🙂

collection: away from the city.

December 2014 – January 2015
Ranau, Sabah, Borneo

Coming to the end of February – 2017. An update and to reflect upon.

An update on my magnificent life, since my last ‘inspiring’ blog post about my 17th birthday (you will most likely not see them, I might privatise/delete them). Not much, not much has happened.

Why did I suddenly come back to this after years of absence? Maybe tumblr is not the place to write a fucking essay on all of this, but I do want to reflect on some things, document it, and probably come back to it years later and reflect on that again. So that’s probably why.

Over the last few years, it has been quite – shit, let’s be honest here, like I bloody wasn’t before /ha ha. I developed a high level of anxiety and spiralled into a deep hole. I was left feeling direction-less, uninspired and lost. But then I wouldn’t change the world for this ‘experience’, I mean you got to have those moments to push you forward –  and no, this won’t end on a triumphant note.

A bit of background, I came out of high school so painfully shy, introverted, ambition-less, oblivious, socially awkward, and all that good stuff that helps you deal with the ‘scary’ outside world.

I thank the lovely times that I had at an all-girls high school – you have shaped my perspective greatly… you know, like striving myself to never been like them, like to have a  brainwashed perception of beauty and to socially accept a ego-feeding bitch’s behaviour and what-not (though I would like to add that not everyone was like this… some were absolutely kind and lovely) 🙂

I still to this day do not think that introversion is not as bad as what others have led you to believe – you just need to own it, and work with it.

I jumped on the bandwagon of ‘oh you must do something right after high school because everybody else is doing it’. After chatting with some people about this, they also felt the same way – so it’s very normal. I was devastated when I didn’t get a good ATAR, and thought that it was the end of everything – it really isn’t!

Now I’m in my 20′s and it just hit me that I still haven’t truly found a direction. I had a hard long think about life and what direction I wanted to head towards.

I spoke to a friend of mine for advice. She said to me:

“…let 2017 be the beginning of your year, leave the past behind you so you can move forward.”

That really stuck to me because I’ve always had a negative outlook on stuff like this – you know, the new year, new beginnings crap. But now, it just seems more relevant than ever. By the end of February, it was time to change my outlook in life – because truly, I wasn’t happy – I don’t want to be like this in 10 years time…

In 3rd and final year, I decided to quit that darn Interior Design course. Many people would ask as to why I didn’t stick it out, I finally told myself that I’ve had enough. I’ve had nothing but bad thoughts, partially due to my outlook and whole-fucking-heartedly due to what was around me. It was a big decision to make, but I haven’t looked back.

I started thinking about my life, job-wise, my interests, where I would see myself in a couple of years. It’s 2017, we can literally do anything, nothing is ever too silly!

Life is too short to allow yourself to suffer from self-doubt and negativity. A life-time mistake on mine, to not look out for yourself. Your true happiness should be above anything else. To come out with positivity, confidence and contentment – that is true goals.

“Why didn’t I do the things that would suit me best?”

“Why did I settle on a challenge that I knew I was going to second guess so badly?”

It took me such a long time to realise that no, I don’t need to waste my damn time being in a situation where I feel useless and had nothing to gain – a concoction of a mentally draining and abusive atmosphere and self-doubt //yeah, that one. Oh hey, I don’t exactly know where I’m going – but it’s a start of something.

Until then.